I’m 2 full weeks out from Derby day, not counting week of derby. I don’t understand why I must become an anxiety riddled mess weeks before a competition. It serves no purpose, and robs me of precious sleep.
And yet…. here I am, anxiety riddled.
We’ve been preparing for this for months now. Learning about interval training, eventing fitness plans, and juggling rides between extremes in weather.
I even started running again (since this spring) in order to get in shape for this.
I hate running.
More lessons, more tack, more equipment, numerous hours and hours and hours of getting Levi in somewhat shape. Plus, the dreaded running. 😖
The other day I get a message from a friend stating she signed up for the same comp “on a whim”. I’m happy about it. It’ll be fun to have another adult i know who’s also doing this for the first time. But I’m also a little… i don’t know… disheartend. I’ve really put a lot of effort into trying to get ready for this. I still suck, I’m still not ready, and I won’t do that well.
Honestly, I feel like I’ve busted ass the last 4 months and I’m still not ready.
This lady is going to do it on a whim and most likely kick my butt at it.
I just wanted to pretend, when i lost, that the other competitors had more experience than i did. I didn’t want to lose to someone else’s on a whim first time. I at least wanted to think they spent months, even years, preparing for it too.
Nope. I’m going to get my ass kicked by someone doing this as a lark.
I know it doesn’t matter. It’s not about them. It’s about overcoming my fears, completing a bucket list item, and knowing that I can still challenge myself physically (even if I’m not 20 anymore).
But… i also wanted to feel like the hard work was worth it. Being beaten by someone who spent as much time preparing for this as it would take to swing through mcDonalds… well, it kind of feels… disheartening.
I’ll be happy for her when she does well, and I’ll be happy if I simply complete it… i just really wish she hadn’t said it was on a whim.