I’m not sure how to write this. I’ve been struggling for the last two years against what I want, and what I have. The conflict between big dreams and lack of resources. Knowing something is out of reach does not make the desire disappear. And of course, we’re bombarded with the message that even big dreams are attainable if you simply work hard enough, sacrifice enough, want it bad enough.
It keeps the belief that it is possible, alive. Which is a rather cruel joke, because it keeps the conflict alive between wanting the big dreams and knowing the realities make it impossible.
All you have to do is work at it hard enough for long enough, right? Sacrifice more.
Except in horses…
I’m at my breaking point both financially and mentally. Both horses look fantastic. Literally shine. Shiniest little shits in the state.
Both are lame. Utterly and devastatingly lame. Unrideable. Probably not going to be rideable for quite a while.
There goes another summer.
There goes all hope of a lesson this year.
There goes another year I’m older and no closer to my dreams.
Maybe if I just work at it harder… those realities will cease to exist, right. Work harder. I’m not doing enough. I need to be working harder, putting more effort in. I’m not sacrificing enough!!
Maybe.. maybe if I sell off everything I own, quit my job, convince hubby to abandon everything to live with me in a car, so that I can beg some big name trainer to take me in as a working student… I bet a good trainer would love a middle aged lady with a bad back as their working student.
I bet that’s the kind of sacrifice it takes to get to Third Level in dressage.
I’ve been trying to get to Third for a combined total of 10 years now.
Realty slaps me in the head everyday, and I keep getting back up to try again. Part of me is screaming “For the love of God, just stay down!” It’s depressing to see me get my ass kicked daily.
Another part of me finds this hysterical. Why is this so freaking hard? It’s not like I wanted to ride in the Olympics. FFS, I just wanted to learn how to do a clean flying change before I die!