The Breaking Point

I’m not sure how to write this. I’ve been struggling for the last two years against what I want, and what I have. The conflict between big dreams and lack of resources. Knowing something is out of reach does not make the desire disappear. And of course, we’re bombarded with the message that even big dreams are attainable if you simply work hard enough, sacrifice enough, want it bad enough.

It keeps the belief that it is possible, alive. Which is a rather cruel joke, because it keeps the conflict alive between wanting the big dreams and knowing the realities make it impossible.

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All you have to do is work at it hard enough for long enough, right? Sacrifice more.

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Except in horses…

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I’m at my breaking point both financially and mentally. Both horses look fantastic. Literally shine. Shiniest little shits in the state.

Both are lame. Utterly and devastatingly lame. Unrideable. Probably not going to be rideable for quite a while.

There goes another summer.

There goes all hope of a lesson this year.

There goes another year I’m older and no closer to my dreams.

Maybe if I just work at it harder… those realities will cease to exist, right. Work harder. I’m not doing enough. I need to be working harder, putting more effort in. I’m not sacrificing enough!!

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Maybe.. maybe if I sell off everything I own, quit my job, convince hubby to abandon everything to live with me in a car, so that I can beg some big name trainer to take me in as a working student… I bet a good trainer would love a middle aged lady with a bad back as their working student.

I bet that’s the kind of sacrifice it takes to get to Third Level in dressage.

HAHAHAHA HAHA

Third.

Hahahaha haha

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I’ve been trying to get to Third for a combined total of 10 years now.

Realty slaps me in the head everyday, and I keep getting back up to try again. Part of me is screaming “For the love of God, just stay down!” It’s depressing to see me get my ass kicked daily.

Another part of me finds this hysterical. Why is this so freaking hard? It’s not like I wanted to ride in the Olympics. FFS, I just wanted to learn how to do a clean flying change before I die!

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10 thoughts on “The Breaking Point

  1. Oh, Mia, you have written a fantastic blog here, but it makes me want to cry. I wish I had a magic wand to make your dreams come true. I wish hard work always was enough. The truth is, it isn’t always enough, reality sucks, and it sounds like you need to re-evaluate what you can achieve. I know you love Ava, but holding on to her is dragging you (and your dreams) down. I think you need to find another home for her.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Don’t despair! Please go to the Science of Motion website, and/or Science of Motion on Facebook, from Jean Luc Cornille. I have joined the IHTC (In Hand Therapy Course), so incredibly inspiring, educational, and “it works”. The trainer I work with once a month met Jean Luc years ago and was impressed with his methods, biomechanics, explanations. I starting reading the SoM postings on the website and also on FB, finally decided to join the course a few months ago. He may even be doing a clinic in your area, too, and you could audit, but you’ll have to check the site for that. Keep in mind this isn’t about riding dressage levels, but learning how to help each horse gain better control over its body movement. One can send videos of your horse to Jean-luc for analysis. I am only giving you a brief idea of this course, so please do check out the sites, there are also videos on Youtube. This is very much a science based study; many people in the show world do not appreciate the approach he takes. I’ve been working through the dvds, documentations, anatomy studies, etc, and have a long way to go but so very excited about each daily change in my horse and ones I work with. I know, I sound like an advert for this, but I can’t say enough good about it. ps, the in hand therapy does not mean “in hand work only”, but is applied as a part of the entire program. It’s so educational and results are exciting. Wishing you luck on your quest.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I got bad news for you. That rhinoceros is never going to be a unicorn. That being said, he can work hard to become the best damn rhinoceros that ever lived!
    They say shoot for the moon because even if you miss you’ll still wind up with the stars. I say that’s bullshit. You shoot and miss the moon and you end up in outer space with no oxygen and your eyeballs getting sucked out of there sockets by decompression.
    How about “That which we fail at today just heightens the expectation/hope for a less shitty tomorrow.”? Instead of the moon, shoot for a spot roughly seven feet in front of you. That way if you miss you’ll only slide a couple of feet more and probably walk away with only a skinned knee.

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  4. I’m sure hundreds of us backyard riders are with you, EVERY STEP OF THE WAY here in this post. It’s all true. And so, devastatingly depressing.
    No, for some of us, “training our own horse, and yey, making it ALL they way up the levels, without a giant backupnet of support AND money at all” well, simply isn’t going to happen.
    Some days, this is really hard to deal with. Trust me. I know.
    Other days. I get so ridiculously, childishly, teary eyed HAPPY, to know that the little hay moped waiting in the shed I built for her is ALL MINE and her muscles and health is all due to me. Pokey trot and all.
    We go slow.
    We don’t look good. At least not most of the time.
    And yes, many other of my friends just simply ride so much better because they have ACCESS to better training, and better horses, and better circumstances. But that thing with the perfectly groomed coat is mine!
    And she’s a joy to be around. And I like to listen to her eat.
    So.
    I won’t sell her and become a working studen all over again.
    Because I did that. And boy can you learn a lot. A lot! (I did this as a middle aged two time mom, so I KNOW the sacrifices involved if you ever want to chat about it ๐Ÿ™‚ )
    But none of those horses were mine. And none of the successes were truly mine.
    So, some days I’m just happy to be able to watch my own money pit piss on all her new shavings and then take a roll in them joyously. OK. Rambling here. But. Some days we all need that ๐Ÿ™‚
    Go and keep your dream of success at 3rd level alive.
    There are so many of us doing the same thing – we can make it ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are not alone. Don’t give up. I have the same dream but my husband is allergic to horses so I am limited to lessons twice a month. You can do it. Maybe true the Art2 ride way with the stretching will help your horses stay sound.
    You work hard, I don’t think you need to work harder.

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