Poor me – my self-pity party

(Begin whine)

I’m so frustrated! I just spent two days moving hay to clear out a spot to build a stall in my brothers barn. Moving hay wasnt so bad, but the barn was so trashed that we spent an hour clearing out a spot to put the hay. I’m tired. My back hurts. And I’m sick of having everything fall apart as soon as I get my hopes up.

My husband is pointing out all the wood we’ll need  for the stall, and calculating costs.  Basically, we may have enough money by March to finish the stall. That’s assuming no other bills pop up.

I have zero money to buy a rideable horse. I can’t buy a new horse until Ava is moved. The zipper on my half chaps completely broke yesterday. My riding boots have more holes in them than a freaking drain. My helmet needs to be replaced. And my vacuum cleaner is broken.

AND… to top off a wonderful day, I suddenly lose vision in my right eye. One minute I’m talking to my sister-in-law, and the next second she’s missing half her face. Then everything turns all sparkly  and I can’t see shit out of my right eye. I had this happen 7 years ago, and went to every opthamologist and neurological opthamologist specialist available, and no one found anything. They said it was migrains. So I’m doubtful that wasting a ton of money on more tests will accomplish anything. But it’s more money I DON’T HAVE!

All I keep thinking is… what’s the point? Even if we move Ava I can’t afford the purchase price of a new horse. I can’t even scrape together $1,000.  I can continue  riding Ellie, but she’s 45 minutes away and is costing me a fortune in gas.

We still have to fix the fencing at my brothers place,  buy stall mats (cement floor), buy a feed tub, and purchase grain and hay for Ava.

I give up. I can’t even afford one horse. I’m f’ing going blind. I knew this whole dressage thing was a pipe dream to start with. I’m over it. Over everything. I quit. I’m going to go live at the mission and be a half blind bag lady the rest of my life.

(End whine)

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7 thoughts on “Poor me – my self-pity party

  1. I know it’s not much consolation, but we’ve all been in these seemingly impossible situations where everything that can go wrong does go wrong!
    Best to take a step by step approach and tackle each problem one at a time. The bright side is at least there is a place for Ava to stay when the stall is completed. The right horse will come to you at the right time.
    Dressage is, and should be, a journey of enlightenment and discovery…I’ve discovered that although friends consider me a patient person (especially when teaching and training) I am not patient with myself!
    Have you read the Sherry Ackermann book, ‘Dressage in the Fourth Dimension’? I re-read sections during the times of inner despair where things seems to fall apart all at once (or as you put it, self pity). waah!
    Re: your eye. I had an opthamalic migraine occur many ears ago when I was skiing. Sparkly explosion, throbbing and brief blurry vision. But you still can’t see out of that eye? I think the ocular migraine symptoms should dissipate after only 20-30 minutes. I hope this has improved!
    Anyway, do take care and wishing you improvement in the weeks ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow I think you have every right to feel like crap! I understand though, as a fellow rider who does this on less than a shoe string budget. Hang in there, and I hope things improve. Especially your eyesight!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karen, thank you! Your new horse was quite an inspiration to me. I figure if you can find a gem like that at that low a price then there have to be more out there. Right? I’ll find my Izzy too, eventually. 🙂

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  3. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! You will figure all of this out by taking it one day/issue at a time. I do feel your pain. You Will find the perfect match, once the time is right!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Sandra. I keep telling myself that the right horse will come along at the right time, but I’m dreading the starting over and I had wanted to have all winter to work on a new horse. Now it seems like it’ll be late spring to mid-summer before that will happen.

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  4. I can imagine how you feel. Totally. There was a time where I thought my old man had reached the end of his rideable time. I can’t afford two horses. It was really dark. It’s lucky you have a safe place for Ava to go and be a happy horse, but that can’t make it any easier. Take some time for yourself, but don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. During horrible times, I jump ahead on my calendar 3-6 months and make a little note on that day..”today is a better day”. and then when that day finally arrives, most things have resolved themselves. I wish I could give you concrete help but moral support is sometimes helpful too.
    Have a good cry, for many days if need be. And then tackle things one at a time.
    Best wishes, and wish I could help more. I too hope and dream for more than I can afford or my body can do.
    Carol

    Liked by 1 person

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