I’ve been struggling lately with feelings of inadequacy. In my dressage life it’s the whole concept of being a good dressage rider. I ride my mare and wonder if she’s meeting the bit correctly, am I pushing her too hard/not hard enough? Why can’t I get my middle section to stop flopping like a hinge?!
Maybe the issue is that I question my own judgement too much and I’m too insecure about my abilities.
This feeling of inadequacy fills my work life. I can’t escape it. I work a job that is high-stress, low reward. And this job demands that I constantly learn new technologies, new languages, new ways of doing things, every single day or I will become obsolete. My boss makes sure to determine how well I’m doing by comparing how often I hit estimated hours on an item, or number of items completed, against my co-workers. Which is kind of like determining who the better rider is by comparing the minutes it took to complete a dressage test… yet not caring whether that test was Grand Prix or Training Level.
After a rather brutal, and uninspiring, yearly review session where the boss gave me numerous examples of how I am not stacking up to the ideal he is holding, I was questioning how much my insecurities were holding me back in life. And it left me questing for a way to accurately compare myself against what I would consider the “ideal”. A way to determine once and for all whether I am in fact a “good” dressage rider, a good programmer, a good whatever… With the belief that once that question was settled, then I could be confident in the fact that yes, I was in fact, “Good Enough”.
And as I was pondering this heavy question, I got this comment on my facebook page: “You have great skills, but like riding….you don’t throw your heart over the fence to win… you drop the ball. I see it every show you enter. You can be great but do not want it…or have no confidence you can do it….so you never will…sadness…”
“Throw your heart over the fence to win”.
I’m pretty sure that would look something like this:
Do you really want to be “that” person?
Anyway, a part of me is like “You’re right! I’m going to be more confident from now on out!!”
The other part of me is like “Really? Like it’s that easy.” *roll eyes*
The point is, I’ve been batting around this notion of the qualities that would settle the question on whether I am a “good” programmer or “good” dressage rider, and I don’t have clear solutions for this.
I’m not sure it really matters. Because even if I am good enough at this point in time, it’s not where I want to be. And besides, I can’t compare myself to others to settle this debate because I’m not someone else, I’m me. Which comes with different priorities, a different view point, a different background. I’m not the greatest programmer because instead of spending my evenings coding, I’m riding or pouring over dressage videos. And I’m not the greatest dressage rider I want to be because honestly, I love programming. And when I’m not being asked to do something completely retarded, then I really enjoy spending my days writing code.
And I can’t quit my job and become a dressage-coding superstar because I’m broke.
Anyway… just mulling it over and thought I’d share. And it’s late, and I’m going to bed. 🙂
p.s. Apparently my confidence isn’t too far in the shitter if I’m laughing at a facebook comment about it.